Okay so I have therapy on Monday. And I have some stuff I want to bring up.I'm high right now so bear with me.
I don't think I have BPD after all, but there's definitely something wrong with me. So there's this guy, P####. We met on Bumble about a week ago. And at first things were going great! Like, we clicked super well. We have so much in common, so we were both like super excited and enjoying hanging out with each other. Then on Friday I had the house to myself and I invited him over, and it was just. Gone. Like talking to him was no longer super easy and it all felt uncomfortable and too much. And like I don't know what to call this other than "splitting," but I feel like it's a little off for that definition. Because, I don't know, I don't feel mad at him? Like there's nothing I can pinpoint that I'm upset about, and I don't wish him any ill will or feel traditionally angry. But I don't want to talk to him. And I don't want to have him over again. And I don't know why.
Tell me more about how you two were connecting.
Um, I don't know, we just had a lot in common. Like, uh, the first thing we noticed was that the only bug he's scared of is bees, and bees are the only bug I'm not scared of. And then we've got similar, like, outlooks, I guess? Like when we were talking there was just a lot of stuff I was agreeing with, and he agreed with a lot of the things I said. And we're both relationship anarchists, which is cool, and I don't know. When we first met up he seemed so cool and I was so genuinely excited to spend time with him and shit and now it's just like. I'll get annoyed by him being annoyed that a biker didn't ring their bell, or I'm annoyed that he wants to kiss or cuddle so much. I don't know. I just feel like my emotions are doing a bad faith reading of him even though I'm not.
And I feel like this is a recurring pattern for me. Like that's why M## and I broke up, and it's why O##### and I split, and it caused me to end a 3 year friendship at the end of 8th grade. It's happened with friends I still have, too, where I didn't try to cut them off but I just kinda never really wanted to spend time with them. It's also happened with family members, which I'm really ashamed of.
Can we talk about when it's happened with family members?
Sure. Um. With my dad. I, uh, I notice myself getting annoyed by him really quickly sometimes. Or not really wanting to talk. Especially when he gets phone calls I get really irritated. And I don't show it. But I think it shows through anyways. Because I talk to him less. And it's honestly been improving some recently? I don't know why.
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